Nightmares and Day Dreams
by stana-lover
Summary: A heartwarming story narrated by Rick as Kate deals with raising their son on her own after Rick's body is found in a dinghy, having bled to death from a gunshot wound. As she copes with the loss and Alexander grows up without his father, Rick is given the task of being their guardian angel, helping them find the happiness they both deserve.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: I am really excited about writing this book. It should be a lot of fun, and I think you will enjoy it if you give it a chance. It will contain moments of intense emotions of all kinds as Kate goes through the stages of grieving, and it will contain a lot of family moments. I know the initial idea of the book is a bit depressing, but it should be a heart-warming story in essence and I hope you all enjoy.**

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In the light of the newly dawned sun, as Kate's eyes began to float open to the new day, she was graced with the scent of familiarity, the scent of home. With a wisp of a smile approaching her lips, she adjusted her head over my chest and brought her gaze to me, my body still encased by the dream world. In her eyes, I looked absolutely radiant, a cherub in her life, my face illuminated by the fresh breath of the morning's song. She couldn't help herself, she just watched me sleep, and felt her world center in my hallow, dreamed up embrace. As she laid there, watching me, her mind was completely at ease, until the sounds of a wailing infant burst through the serenity and called out to her.

As she lifted herself up, sitting on the bed rather than laying beside me, I adjusted and woke. Kate looked back at my weary features, my fatigue still holding me weak, and she told me briefly, "I got it," brushing my arm with her hand. I caught her fingers as she pulled away, however, and as I brought her back, I laid a gentle kiss on her lips. She smirked into me. To her, I was so perfect. Everything about me was completely astounding. I was everything to her.

Then, reality struck

Kate's body jolted up, her heart racing, her mind reeling. The sounds of an infant's wails in the background forced her into immediate action. She wandered toward our son's bedroom. Alexander was waiting for her expectantly. His tears coated his blotchy cheeks. He pined for his mother. She lifted him, and lulled him back to contentment.

Once he was no longer sobbing, after he had eaten and been changed, she placed him in his swing and wandered toward the dresser in her room. I couldn't be there to watch him, so leaving him in his chair alone was all she could do. The three-month old boy then watched, without comprehending much of anything, as his mother readied herself for work. As she pulled on her necklace that now contained two rings instead of one, she had to pause a moment and watch in the mirror as she despaired for me. I watched her pain. My helplessness pained me.

She truly thought I was coming home. She truly thought I would make it. She thought I would get to meet our son in person, but-... after the dinghy turned up, my body cold and emptied of blood, a gunshot wound having bled me to death, she knew she was never meant to find a happily ever after in romance. It just wasn't meant to be, and that thought was heart-breaking to us both.

I just watched her as she lifted our son to her chest. I watched as she walked out of the door of her apartment, wandering toward her car alone. I watched as she cared for Alexander without anyone there to help. Then, as she turned into the precinct, returning there on a day that tore at her soul, returning on the anniversary of my disappearance, she turned off the car and sat a moment. She thought she could manage. She thought she would survive, but- her heart shattered.

Tears streamed from her eyelids as she looked at the date on her phone. This was supposed to be a day she would delight in. This was supposed to be a day she forever remembered as the day she said, "I do." This was supposed to be a joyous occasion with bliss and adoration. Instead, it was a day wrecked with misery, and she couldn't hold out any longer. Eventually, however, after a half an hour in her car, half of which was spend crying, the other half of which was spend holding her son as he had cried with her, she pulled herself together, and found a way to breathe. Once she could breathe, she went inside and did as she always did. She powered through the day until she went home that night, laid her son to sleep, and then sobbed herself to rest.

Again, she dreamed of me in a far less blissful manner. Then, upon seeing the images she was cursing herself with, I couldn't help but stand in her room and change her dreams back to what they once were. Today, she needed something good. She needed something to hold on to, and this was all I could give her. This, and a gentle kiss to her temple which she could neither feel nor receive again in this life.


	2. Chapter 2

The next day, Kate packed our son into the car once more, and drove until she was parked outside of Alexis' dorm. With her son on her side, Kate wandered in towardthe young girl, and found a passed out teenager laying on her bed behind her roommate who was kind enough to answer the door. My daughter was, for lack of better words, not handling all of this very well. At least when I had just disappeared, she still had hope.

I still remember the day they found me. Kate had been at her apartment, and Alexis was with her Grandmother at the loft. Ryan and Esposito came to Kate first, asking her how she was feeling, and stalling until they could get her to sit down. She was, at this point, three months pregnant and not showing, but- she hadn't told the boys yet. She hadn't told anyone but her boss who needed to know. She still had hopes that she would be able to tell me before anyone else, and that we could then tell the boys and my daughter and mother together. At the words of her coworkers, however, she knew that would never be the case.

At this point in time, I had been with her in spirit for days. At first, I tried to tell her it would all be alright, but- she couldn't hear me. At night, I sat down beside her and whispered to our unborn baby boy as she slept without a moment of peace. After she knew I was gone, after she saw my body, the photos, everything in the world that she never wanted to see, I was her newest ghost. I couldn't keep from haunting her as she dreamed up the images on her own.

Still, she handled all of this far better than Alexis did. She seemed to follow in Kate's footsteps to a certain degree. She changed majors. She moved into medicine. Her primary goal was to be exactly what Lanie was because- after I was gone, no one was there to take care of me. She just wanted to be there for those who suffered alone. She wanted to be there to guide their bodies to rest, and help find their murderers in the only way she could manage. Ironically enough, Pearlmutter was the person who gave her this idea after the funeral. She asked him if I suffered, and though his mind told him I was in agony, he told my daughter, "I promise you, after everything your father went through, I made sure he was at rest in the morgue. He was at peace, never alone."

Anyway, now as Kate sat down beside Alexis' bed, she brushed a gentle stroke over her cheek and the young girl stirred awake. As he eyes floated open, a wind-blown smile dusted over Kate's carnation lips as she whispered, "Hey, sweetheart."

Alexis breathed in the morning's air and then sounded a rough, "Hey."

"I brought someone here to see you," Kate uttered as our son sat on her lap, intently maneuvering his hands together and apart.

This woke Lex up a bit more. She loved her brother, and she loved spending time with him. She was just- so exhausted from the night's session with her newest one and done. As I said, my daughter wasn't handling this well. She wanted to make sure no one was ever alone, and-... weekly visits to a new world of release certainly kept her with company. She had kept herself together so well when she still had hope. Now all she cared for was release, and given the state her grandmother was in, she knew alcohol was a bad choice on that end.

After a few minutes, Alexis was sitting across from Kate, bouncing her brother gently as his luminous daylight eyes peered into Alexis' mirrored gaze. Kate watched as her son smiled, and Alexis' heart lifted for a short while. This continued for a short while until Alexis finally dared to ask, "So, why are you here?"

"I just-... came to check on you. I wanted to make sure you were alright and see what you were up to today," Kate casually remarked as though it wasn't obvious that she was here to make sure the child wasn't doing anything reckless.

Alexis smiled and heaved a breath. The two then began to talk after Alexis' lower lip quivered and she was brought to a singular phrase. "I really thought he was coming back." The moment she said this, as her head bowed at the weight of her statement, tears began to flood her eyelids. Kate then moved closer and took the girl into her arms, Alexander safely pressed between them.

Of everything I had seen in the past few months, there was one thing I knew. My daughter was never going to be alone. Kate was always there for her. She was always Alexis' strong shoulder, caretaker, and guiding hand. Alexis spoke to Kate as a young child spoke to their teacher. Alexis respected Kate as a role model, as a leader, and as someone who made her feel safe. They were closer now than they ever had been, and through their pain, through their despair, they had each other. That was all I ever wanted in the event that I died. I wanted Alexis to have someone she could trust. Kate upheld her promise, and so much more.

And as the two of them grieved, I watched and promised, "It will be alright. Everything is going to be alright."


	3. Chapter 3

Alexander was five months old the first time he got sick. Screaming in the middle of the night, completely tortured by aches and discomfort, Xander was sending his mother into an absolute panic. As Kate took his temperature and looked at the reading, her heart pounded. She the instantly called the one person she had left to ask any questions to. My mother was slow to answer the phone, but eventually managed to pick up. "Martha," Kate desperately questioned.

"Katherine? What's wrong?" I guess a call from Kate must have snapped her out of her sleep fairly quick.

Kate looked down at her son and rambled, "Xander, he's- he's sick. He won't stop crying. His temp is one hundred and two. I don't know what to do."

"Take a deep breath," my mother said, "You aren't helping any by being hysterical, and I'm sure Alexander isn't terribly receptive of his mother's panic. Just- breathe." Kate did as she was told, able to function ever so slightly better. My mother then continued on to say, "Have you called his doctor?"

"No, Martha, he was fine when I put him to sleep and then he started screaming about ten minutes ago. His pediatrician's office is closed."

"Did he eat?"

Again, Kate took in a breath, thought a moment, and answered, "Yeah, he ate fine."

"I know you're probably more focused on his temperature, but does he need to be changed?"

Kate checked. "It probably wouldn't hurt, but I just changed him about two hours ago."

"Is he pale, flush?"

"No, his face is bright red."

"Then I would honestly just do your best to get him to quiet down, see if you can't get him to go back to sleep, and call the doctor in the morning. Watch his fever. If it spikes above one-o-three, I would take him to the nearest Urgent Care you can find and have them take a look. If he starts coughing or gets flushed or anything else, I would take him in as well, but... this can happen with babies. Sometimes they just get low-grade fevers that disappear fairly fast."

Kate breathed. This was not the answer she wanted to hear. "Are you sure," she questioned as she pulled Alexander up to her shoulder. I stood behind the two of them, watching my son as he sobbed, laying my hand over his cheek. He couldn't feel me. He didn't know I was there. However, I think he could feel that subtle chill everyone talks about in the presence of a spirit. For a moment, his crying was lulled bit. It was calmed as he felt something cold against his burning skin. But the moment past and his wailing began again.

After my mother told Kate she was sure, the two got off the phone, and Kate just looked at our son's agony. She carried him to the rocking chair in the corner, listening to him scream the entire way there. Xander howled like there was no tomorrow, and continued to sob as I watched helplessly from the bed.

I then began to hum gently the song my mother used to hum to me when I was ill. After a few moments, Kate joined at the start of the loop. She sang like an angel the lyrics to the song I knew so well. I honestly didn't know anyone knew the damn thing since it was from a very old, unpopular play, but- she knew it. Within half an hour, Xander was asleep. Kate took his temp again, and it hadn't changed. Still, he was asleep. He wasn't flush. He wasn't coughing.

For the entire night, Kate sat by his bedside. By morning, his fever had cracked and his temp was down to ninety-nine. He ate just fine. He played just fine. Kate took a sick day and just- played with him. She just watched him smile, watched his temp go back to normal, and watched his eyes gleam. She loved him.

Still, she couldn't pretend like it was easy. I could see it in her eyes the way she felt every time she looked at him. She loved him, but- her heart broke every time she saw my eyes, my smile. He was beautiful misery to her, and I couldn't help but feel guilt over that.

As I watched them play, however, I took the liberty of staying very near. I didn't want her to feel entirely alone. It was a foolish sentiment, really. I knew she couldn't see me or hear me or even feel me, but- every once in a while, when it was needed, I could lean over and stroke my son's head, a small gift of relief, and a gust of breath. He would always smile a serene look when I did so, and his mother's heart would lift every time. It was all I could give them. A momentary smile. But- if I could see her smile for a fraction of a moment, it told me that eventually, everything would be alright, and that was all I needed.


End file.
